finally
by lieze
Summary: a trace of thoughts (chichiri pov na no da) regarding an alarming sentence said by Hiko


Author's note: Really sorry if there are major contradictions or problems with the fanfic, ^_^, I just wrote it while listening to Chichiri/Seki Tomokazu's Mizu-Kagami, and I had just watched that episode too, so my inspiration just came out like that.   
This fanfic's basically about Chichiri's thoughts and reasoning after Hiko dies (in OAV). What Hiko said about the 2 of them not being true friends if they couldn't trust kind of made me think a lot. So here's Chichiri's POV on the last words of Hiko. Enjoy! ^_^  
  
Standard Disclaimers apply.  
  
Title: finally  
  
When you lay in my arms, half submerged in that clear, glistening water, I felt like holding you closer than you ever had been. To me, I never wanted to let you go. Never. Whether it was in the past, when I had caused your death, or whether it was then, when I was holding your hand.   
The touch from your hand was cold, but not defensive anymore. When I had first met you again, just a few days ago, I was overewhelmed by that pressurizing hatred you had for me. I hadn't thought about your feelings at all. I just kept thinking that I should never have let go... It never occured to me to go in deeper to rectify the original source. Source...was that me?  
As you talked to me, your words were weak and painful. Both physically and mentally excruciating, I was crying underneath. There was no mask for me to hide my sorrow, but I was still overflowing with tears in my heart. I didn't even want to look at you, because you were slipping away. You were flowing very quickly away.  
With the current, you vanished so fast. You just dissolved in the water, not having any regrets. Was it because you understood what I meant? Or was it because you understand what [it] meant? I will never know, will I... You're so cruel.  
But I don't mean it in any way. I can still remember your last words. They still resound endlessly in my head. You said we were so angry with each other, and there was so much hatred in the both of us. You said we couldn't trust.   
Trust.  
[And if we couldn't trust, then we probably weren't true friends at all.]  
Why, Hiko? Why did you say such a thing? I knew we had always been the greatest friends. Even after you...died, I was still clinging on to the one sole memory of you being a wonderful buddy to me. And to her. How is it that the words you spoke were so unthinkable, and yet, so...true?   
If I thought about it more in depthly; if I considered your meaning more carefully, I would understand, wouldn't I? You knew that I would get it, right? That unmistakable truth.  
Thinking about it is like seeing so many pieces of you flung right at me. Sharp, vengeful edges of your water aimed right at me. Right at my heart. But I don't want it to be true. People always say that you learn to treasure the most precious things...only after they're gone. That is how I feel about you. I want to treasure those times we had together. Whatever they were...good or bad; happy or sad; enjoyable or boring; true or...fake.   
Anything would be fine with me, as long as I had you in my mind. As long as I could still recall you and your smile and your...everything. Anything would be fine with me. Don't you understand?  
I don't care if we were true friends or not.   
I just want to keep you in my thoughts. I just want you to remind me time and time again, of the terrible thing I had done back then. But...that's not right, isn't it? It isn't right to make use of a friend's death, to remind oneself of a horrible incident. Friends should remind you of happy occasions, peaceful times, wonderful moments... They shouldn't be used to remind you of times of hatred.  
Is that what you meant? When you told me that we were probably never true friends in the first place? How did we meet? Was it a coincidence? Or was it she who brought us together? If she had let us meet, then maybe...just maybe...  
We were not the truest of friends.  
However, if we had met under the most suitable circumstances, and our friendship had blossomed and grown from us spending time together, then maybe...just maybe...  
We only thought we were sincere to each other.  
Because if we both thought we were best friends, then how come I could love her so much? And how come you could love her so much as well? If we were both truthful to each other, then why would we both have been able to love her, and not stay together? Divided attention? Divided love? Who did I really love? You, or her...  
Or my own selfish self?  
You're cruel, Hiko, to tell me something like that...and right before you died. I felt so regretful after I had caused your death. And I felt even worse when I had caused your 'death' again. You didn't do this on purpose, right? You were only trying to take the simplest revenge on me, right? Though it didn't work out as planned for you, you had no idea that your death would hurt me again, right?   
I can't hear your answer. I don't know what is your answer. I didn't know what you were feeling back then, I will still never know. And because of that...  
We were probably never true friends.  
  
*owari* 


End file.
